The Natural Disaster
by frakir-chan
Summary: It's Doctor Who/The Catherine Tate Show crossover. Yes, yes, you can guess now! It's the Doctor and Lauren Cooper. And a small invasion of Daleks. And AU. Please R&R!


**Title:** The Natural Disaster  
**Rating: **G  
**Characters: **The Doctor (10), Lauren Cooper, Daleks, with brief appearance of Capt. Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper  
**Warning: **AU, no plot  
**Summary: **Daleks are hunting for the Doctor in Lauren's school. Takes place right after the English teacher comic sketch. This is AU where Lauren Cooper is the cousin of Gwen Cooper from Torchwood. For no reason at all, just so there could be at least one person to save the Doctor from Lauren… Oops xD  
**A/N: **Weeell, I suppose it's not the first fanfic about the Doctor and Lauren (I know it's not), but I do hope you will enjoy it =) Yes, and, being not English, I would really appreciate any help to make this story better.  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything which I think is rather cruel.  
**Feedback: **Tell me if it's any good.

It has been a really strange day all along.

Mr. Logan, also – and mostly – known as the Doctor (who decided to try another name apart from his usual John Smith) was putting the books into his suitcase as the end of this tiring double English approached. As soon as the lectures were over, all the students were swept away immediately – all, that is, except for Lauren Cooper, who by that time had already turned from a little Rose Tyler figure back into her really annoying self. The Doctor would rather she stayed like a doll, but unfortunately that lasted only until the end of his first lecture and was now considered by the majority of the class as mass hypnosis or something like that. Still, it had won him his audience and a bit of respect from the students. As for Lauren, whether she was 'bovvered' by this or not, she didn't say anything and THAT was really unlike her. She didn't look defeated though, but rather defiant. She was just sitting there, giving him occasional now-I-know-you're-really-an-alien threatening looks.

And now, as the school day was over, he was left face to face with this insolent student. Lauren didn't look as though she was going to leave, but the Doctor acted like he didn't notice her, so she was the first to break the silence.

"So you really ARE the Doctor", she said. "You've got this thing, like, you know, a sonic screwdriver".

"How do you know all that?" said the Doctor. He didn't actually go around showing off, did he? Maybe one of his truthful companions had published best-selling memoirs?

"I've got a cousin. She works at this company, you know, for storing up firewood or something".

The Doctor stared at her for a couple of seconds and then something clicked in his head.

"Do you mean Torchwood?"

"Yeah, that stuff", said Lauren carelessly. "So why are you here anyway? Are we being attacked by a great scary army of aliens?"

"Could be. Could be".

"Right. Then can you do us all a favor and defeat them *after* they destroy this building?"

"I don't think so".

"I knew you're useless", Lauren concluded.

"Hey! I'm trying to save the Earth here. If you're not interested, go home".

The girl snorted but didn't move. The Doctor was suddenly serious.

"Actually, you'd better go home", he said.

But Lauren wasn't impressed by this sudden change of mood.

"Or what?" she said.

But before the Doctor had time to answer, there was a commotion outside and a very familiar screeching voice declared:

"The Doctor has been detected! Exterminate! Exterminate!"

Three rather identical Daleks rolled into the room.

"Hey, you guys!" said the Doctor cheerfully as though the Daleks were his best friends. He raised his hands. "I've been expecting you!" he glanced at Lauren, but the girl looked neither scared, nor even impressed. After a quick glance around the room, however, the Daleks considered her the best (okay, the only) candidate for a hostage. But the Doctor was ready for this.

"The Doctor will obey the Daleks or she will be exterminated", said one of the invaders.

"Oh, I don't mind. Kill her", the Doctor waved his hand nonchalantly. "Maybe it will help me to get rid of the headache she was giving me".

"Do you think you're smart, alien boy?" snapped Lauren indignantly.

The Doctor winked at her.

"I am smart".

The Daleks considered this for a moment.

"The Doctor wants this human dead", said one of them, having obviously reached a decision. "She may be useful to the Daleks. Come over here. Obey".

Lauren glanced at the Doctor who shrugged and gestured her to do what they say. The girl rose slowly from her seat and came over to them. Her whole appearance didn't bode well for the Daleks at all. Unfortunately for them, the Daleks didn't know who they'd got mixed up with.

For a moment Lauren's gaze was fixed on the Daleks as though evaluating them and then she asked:

"What are those overgrown pepper pots?"

"They are Daleks", said the Doctor, who wasn't sure who was in more trouble now.

"Is that a Dalek?" asked Lauren, pointing at one of them.

"Yes".

"Is that a Dalek?" she asked, pointing at the other.

"Yes".

"Is that a Dalek?" she was now pointing at the third.

"They're all Daleks".

"Is that a Dalek?" Lauren's finger now moved to the first one again.

"Stop it, Lauren", the Doctor started to lose his patience. How long could she go on without getting bored?

"How do you tell who's who though?"

At this point the Daleks decided to interrupt them. One of them said:

"The Doctor is afraid of the female. You will make the Doctor bend in our will".

Lauren turned around and gave him a piercing stare. It wasn't promising at all. One thing this student was really good at was not doing as she was told. She had the ultimate weapon. She could talk anyone to death.

"Do you have a plumber in your family tree?" she asked finally, without taking her eyes off the Dalek.

"You must obey to the supreme Daleks", the Dalek went on in a monotonous voice, but there was no way of stopping Lauren now.

"But do you have a plumber in your family tree?"

"Daleks do not answer questions of humans".

"But I do think you have a plumber in your family tree", Lauren repeated assertively.

"You shall stop. Stop. You will obey the Daleks".

"Can you repair a sink in my house?"

Now the Daleks turned to the Doctor.

"The Doctor will stop her!"

"But I can't!" said the Time Lord. He found himself actually enjoying this. And Lauren was too carried away by now.

"Could I see you in some posh vacuum cleaners ad?" she went on.

"The human female is talking nonsense", the Daleks had finally arrived at a conclusion. "She will be exterminated!"

They pointed their weapons at Lauren. The Doctor grabbed his sonic screwdriver, but it wasn't necessary.

"But I ain't bovvered", said Lauren.

The Daleks hesitated. They looked confused.

"Look at my face! Does it look bovvered to you?"

"You shall—"

"I ain't bovvered!"

"You shall be—"

"My face ain't bovvered!"

"Exterm—"

"Look at me, I ain't bovvered!"

"Exterminate!" somehow managed the Daleks, but it was no use.

"You're not even saying it right!"

The Daleks looked offended.

"Daleks are supreme", they said. "We have mastered your languages perfectly".

Lauren sent them a malicious grin.

"But I can't even understand you properly", she said and pointed at the Doctor. "You're just like him. He's my English teacher and now it turns out he ain't even Scottish!"

"Lauren", the Doctor didn't expect to find himself under fire again.

"Do you fancy Shakespeare? He could read you a poem or two".

"Lauren! Whose side are you on?!"

"That's my revenge", Lauren informed him calmly. "You wanted to let them kill me!"

"That was a clever tactical scheme! That was the only way to STOP them from killing you!"

"You can say whatever you want, 'cause I ain't bovvered" Lauren crossed her arms.

"Lauren".

"I ain't bovvered".

"Stop it".

"Talk, kill, I ain't even bovvered. Face, bovvered, bovvered, face, Daleks, I ain't bovvered, face, extermination, bovvered, I still ain't bovvered!!"

The room fell silent. The Daleks were looking as much bewildered as it is possible for their kind. If they had eyelashes, I think, they would be blinking sheepishly as well, but Daleks have an unfortunate lack of facial features.

And then, all of a sudden, their glowing blue eye blinked and went off. It must have been stress, the Doctor thought. Or maybe their batteries had died. Or maybe he'd just accidentally activated his sonic screwdriver. You'll never know. The main thing was: the Daleks were blinded and, therefore, weren't a threat anymore.

"I can't see", said one of the Daleks.

"My brain hurts", said the other.

"Help us", said the third.

They actually sounded rather hysterical, thought the Time Lord. But it's really hard to say with a Dalek.

Now he was really tempted to leave Lauren here at least until tomorrow, lock her in the room with helpless Daleks and escape, but, unfortunately, doing so would contradict his humanistic principles, so once again he had to sacrifice himself for the sake of others.

"All right, I'll take her away", he said. "But you'll have to promise to leave this place – AND the Earth – and never come back. And if you try something nasty, we'll be back. Deal?"

"Deal", creaked the Daleks.

"You stop talking like I'm some kind of disease", now Lauren was really indignant. "Are you saying humankind is vermin? Are you saying we are contagious—"

"I think I've had enough of you", the Doctor interrupted her and turned to the Daleks. His screwdriver buzzed and their plunger-eyes were lit again.

"There. You can see now", said the Doctor. "Now leave this place. But remember your promise and what would come should it be broken".

I'm threatening the Daleks with a teenager girl, he thought. What have I come to.

The Daleks left rather hastily. The Doctor followed them with his eyes, then took his suitcase and left the classroom. He was so deep in thoughts that he didn't realize at first that Lauren was following him.

"What?"

"You know, now that I've helped you to defeat the evil guys, you must take me with you", said Lauren.

"What? Take you where?"

"To the TARDIS, of course".

"No way! If I let you step on any other planet, the Shadow Proclamation will put me on a death row for spreading natural disaster on innocent worlds!"

"Humph. I'm not bovvered".

"Neither am I. So go home".

"No way".

Doctor stopped and looked Lauren in the face. She returned the look.

"Is your cousin's name Gwen Cooper by any chance?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah. So what?"

"Alright then. Let's go!"

"Where?"

"To the TARDIS. Where else?"

"No kidding? Really?" Lauren's eyes sparkled.

"Yep".

"Right!" Lauren was almost ahead of him at this point. Only then she realized she didn't know where to go, so she had to let the Doctor lead the way.

Much to her surprise he didn't go outside the building, but rather made his way to the basement.

"You've parked in the basement", she said.

"Yep."

The TARDIS was modestly standing by the wall. Lauren gave her estimating look. The Doctor hurriedly unlocked the door and let her in before she turned nasty.

"I expected it to be bigger", once inside, said Lauren in a voice of a capricious customer. Still, she was giving the control panel hungry looks, and the Doctor was suddenly worried for his ship's safety.

He took the girl's arm and gently – but persistently – dragged her to the metal staircase. "You can look at the things downstairs", he suggested.

"Why can't I stay here?"

"'Cause even if I told you not to touch anything, you wouldn't listen".

Lauren shrugged but went down the stairs; having obviously considered that being able to see the spaceship's store-room is better that being thrown out at once.

The Doctor made sure she wasn't coming back and walked to the control panel. He turned the monitor to him and tried to reach Torchwood. After a while a very familiar-looking face appeared on the screen.

"Captain Jack Hark—oh, Doctor, it's you! What's gotten into you? I can't remember you ever calling us before. Is that the end of the world?" he said, grinning as usual.

"Is Gwen Cooper still working with you?" asked the Doctor, ignoring him.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I need to talk to her".

"Is something wrong? You've got a funny look on your face—"

"Just… call her, okay?" said the Doctor impatiently.

"Right, right", Jack raised his hands as if giving up and shouted. "Gwen! Gwen! Come over here, will you!"

The face of the black-haired woman appeared on the screen. She seemed to be really surprised to see the Doctor.

"What is it?" she said. "Why do you want me?"

"It's Lauren", said the Doctor bluntly.

"What? Lauren? Did she happen to someone?"

"Yeah", said the Doctor. Apparently, Gwen knew her cousin enough to put up that kind of question. "Me".

"What?"

"There's been a small invasion of Daleks in her school today. But now it's over, everything's fine and I think she should be taken home".

For a few seconds Gwen Cooper was staring at his face, and then she gave him a sympathetic smile.

"If you want to say 'Help me', no need to be embarrassed", she said.

"Nah, just get over here and take her away".

Gwen nodded knowingly. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes".

The Doctor disconnected.

"Lauren!" he called. "End of the excursion! Get up here!"

He expected a protest, but it didn't come. Lauren climbed up the stairs. She had a thoughtful look on her face and a big sword in her hand.

"Can I keep it as a souvenir?" she asked.

"That's the sword of Genghis Khan", said the Doctor, amazed. "Where did you get that?"

"Well, it was lying under the stairs, so I thought you didn't need it anyway".

"Actually, I didn't even know I had it".

"So I can have it then", that wasn't even a question.

The Doctor shrugged. "Fair enough. Just… don't turn violent".

Lauren rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, right… You've called my cousin, haven't you?"

"Well", the Doctor hesitated, eyeing the sword nervously. "Yeah. She'll give you a lift home".

It took a bit of careful persuasion to make Lauren leave the TARDIS… actually, it was a small bit of persuasion and a BIG bit of bribery, but finally the Doctor had won. They went out into the street which was already dark and where Gwen Cooper was already waiting for them.

Lauren put her 'souvenirs' into the back of the car and turned to her 'English teacher'. It was a moment of farewell and the Doctor felt suddenly awkward. Lauren looked at him expectantly.

"Are you gonna teach us English?"

"No. I'm done here".

"Right. Still don't think you're qualified to teach us English though".

"Hey!"

"Was getting used to you, though", Lauren continued. "A' least one properly crazy teacher at school, that could be fun, eh?"

"Promise me one thing, Lauren", said the Doctor. "Don't hurt your new English teacher".

"I don't give unrealizable promises" she said with dignity.

The Doctor smirked.

"Farewell then, Lauren Cooper".

"Allright", Lauren got into the car. Gwen waved at the Doctor and winked. The Doctor winked back.

The car took off and disappeared behind the corner. As soon as it was out of sight, the Doctor turned and walked back to the school building.

There were three sad little Daleks awaiting for him at the front.

They stood there, in the light of the only working street lamp, facing each other, two arch-enemies, the Daleks and the Time Lord, and maybe for the first time in the eternity they felt something like solidarity. And then…

"You fancy a drink?"

"Confirm. Confirm. Confirm".

The Doctor put his arms around the shoulders of the two Daleks (if they have any) and they all headed for the nearest bar.

It has really been a strange day all along…

~The End

26.03.09. – 02.04.09.


End file.
